why

am I so closed off?

seeing the qualities that I admire in others makes me wonder why I don't emanate those qualities. but I choose to stand in the back and remain unseen. I admire a person's ability to share things with people, their stories and their lives in relation to the person they are speaking to. I admire people's ability to be honest. I admire a person's ability to just say things without much thought because speaking comes so naturally to them. I admire people who are not scared of being who they are, who are not afraid of rejection or people thinking they may be uninteresting. I admire people who are magnetic.

I've always been like this. I like to do things secretly and without people knowing it or seeing it. I really enjoy cleaning, like I really like to do it to distract myself. When I was little I would clean the house but would only do it if no one was home. I was embarrassed when I was caught cleaning, but enjoyed it when my mom would find a part of the house spotless and told me that it would start raining soon. It's the only thing where I can see an end goal.

I also dislike talking on the phone in front of people. I like to be free with my conversation with that person. I do best when I am with one person, in one-on-one situations. I can read them, focus on them, and interact with them comfortably. Their true selves will surface around me, and not be influenced by others. I like that, I really really like that.

I've told several people that I'm a private person. I'm not even sure what that means.

but I suppose I said so that they can better understand my strange behavior when it comes to things. Someone once asked rather frustrated, "Why don't you tell me those things?" And in all honestly folks, whoever reads this... I think I'm not good enough and I don't want to burden people with my issues. I never think that I am good enough and don't like it when people baby me and say that I am. Because I'm not. I'm not good at things. I'm not talented. Life isn't linear anymore where I was able to figure out how to get straight A's. Life is hard. It's hard to be good at something. It's a struggle to be good enough for people. I feel ugly. Instead, I push people away because I think I'm not good enough or a good talker or a good friend or a good listener. I'm boring. I like rules. I don't really like breaking them either because I freak out if I get in trouble. I'm boring. square. I remain silent, I do it quiet instinctively. and let people come to me about things. I wait for things to happen because of this. and the realization has only come now. what a flaw I have.

My friend asked me today "Don't you wish you were good at something...like drawing..." I paused a tad because this question is more deeper to me then the 9 or so words uttered...

It's a question that has been on my mind almost all my life. People that I admire are good at things. They have this knack with something in particular, something that I don't have. Wether it be guitar playing to baking to drawing. I'm not good at anything. In fact, I'm all other the fucking place with things that entertain me.

This was a rather negative post. Something that I don't like to do, because I don't to be honest with myself and would rather paint myself as a strong individual who doesn't get emotional like this, but instead I've been falling apart inside for a very long time.