some

people are just satisfied with
being


i am not one of them.


i have been thinking about life. or as usual. what it means to have a goal and to be successful. i wonder if i ever amount to any wealth will i be happy?

i have been thinking about money alot too. i am here, but not really making money. i have loans to pay. and at the same time i want to be damn successful and rich.
rich so that i can fly around and explore cities without a worry.

note the emphasis on without a worry.
which causes me to think. i currently travel. i am living in vietnam. something that i've wanted to do for a long time. but i still worry. worry about pressures of wanting to be successful. wanting to make money. wanting just about everything and not taking the time to appreciate what i have.


i have been thinking about my future alot too. more so that i often forget about the present. i am worried. i am worried that in the future i wont be happy where i am. that i wont be able to make it. that i will only be read good on paper, and not in real life. that i will never be able to articulate my real life. relay my self to others. that im not smart enough, that im not strong enough, that i am not rich enough. to make it.


then i begin thinking about jealousy. and how easily jealous i get of other people's lives and their ability to accomplish things. to the point where i hardly notice my accomplishments. where i believe my accomplishments amount to near nothing. and then i begin to doubt whether my accomplishments even exist.


then i return to the present. discovering the lives of others. living in poverty. living just to live. living to find food. living to survive. whatever love that they can muster from the dirt that surrounds that, whatever affection that they can find from the stench that clings to the air, and whatever practical ways of living they can find, they make do.

living in wealth. living in big houses with maids. living at work rather than home. living to make a living. living in gluttony. living just to live. whatever love that they can hold onto from the breeze in their air conditioned rooms. whatever affection they can maintain from the conversations and interactions they have, and whatever non-practical ways of living they put their hands on, they make do.

then i wonder what i want. i wonder if this is really the success that i want. if its really just wanting to live that i want. if its just wanting to live without worrying that i want. if its to live up to expectations that i want. i just want to be famous. i just want to be great. i just want to be someone.


c'est la vie.

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need to figure this out
need to figure this out
need to figure this out.