you know.

i think all my life. i've pushed things aside for school.

to study.
to do well.
to get good grades.

because i have to work really hard to get a good grade, things don't come naturally to me and that's the way it is.

but now.

i ask, why do i keep pushings things aside, and i realize that its like pushing life aside for books, for that grade, that in the end won't really matter because whose going to be there for me. and now that i've pushed so much aside i don't know how to include things in my life. i don't know how to relax much nor can i have a good time when i have school in the back of my head. and when school isn't in the back of my head i just don't know what to do with myself. and now, even when there isn't anything to induce the pushing aside of people, events, etc. i do it naturally.
///

seemingly people in this world have some connection elsewhere, and i feel that connections, real connections are really difficult at this point. i sorta feel like a house with no ground or something. just no real support.

but just have to keep changing life. because you only get one chance at it. so why dwell on so many things? make life what it is cos its short. but really i feel like i'm not making the most of it cos i'm always worried about stupid shit. i very much dislike school and everything i'm doing with my life. not making those personal ties with ppl.

can't can't wait to go away.