well.

sometimes i just don't understand.
i really don't.
i don't understand how this world works.
how there is violence in the world.
how ppl are just plain mean.

and we are so complicated.

there's something that is very lacking
in my life.


still

in


search of








it.

---


man so this is what its like to do absolutely nothing. i dunno what it is, but 10 hour naps tend to leave this weird droopy dreary unrest in a person. i feel as if i've done nothing. but i have never been more inclined to do even more of nothing. i'm reading a book. damn creepy/weird. and about a person's incessant thoughts and opinions. which then induces me to sit there/here and think about life. (or when does it ever stop.) i reminisce [can't spell] about all those things i heard about as a kid, and how i wondered why ppl had to "find meaning in their life..." or they were "lost" and i sit here and think to myself. fuck. i have mos def. become that person. who is constantly questioning whether this is what i should be doing with my life. and whether i'm making the most out of it. [which i concluded i am not.] but alot of it is because fear tends to keep me back. fear from change, fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted. but i feel that fear has excluded me from alot of things in my life. i am no normal teenager. ...

but what else is there to do. what else is there to do. it seems like my purchases leave me with just temporary instances of happiness and that what i should be really doing, is doing something else. or maybe just the opposite of everything that i have done.