sometimes

I come to the scary realization
that the future won't be any better
and that the time is now
to put it off until "later"
really means that one is afraid to confront it now
and the realization is scary
because one is afraid

if you want to get somewhere,
and is hoping that something will help get
you "there"
then you're probably wrong.
to think that a degree can get you anywhere
you're probably wrong
to think that a new purchase can bring you
happiness
you're probably wrong
to be married
to have children
to buy a house
to have a boyfriend
to have a master's
to have a phd
to have an mba
to have a salary
to have a good paying job
to have paid off all your bills
to have paid off your car
to have paid off your home
to have children
to have grandchildren
life is about building towards something
and when you reach the point where you are no
longer able to build
well hopefully
you are old by then.

hopefully, you recognize that its about the building process more than the building itself.
but the time is now
if you want to be more confident
if you want to have more power
if you want to change something or a situation that is right in front of you
if you want to stand up for yourself
if you want to help someone
change doesn't come later
change doesn't come with a degree, or a few random letters at the end of your name
sure your mama will be proud.
hell my mama would be hella proud.
but then what. does that give you sir or ma'am really the excuse to be lame?
does it give you the excuse to do things that doesn't make your mama proud?
does it give you the excuse to not try to pursue your dreams or act out your dreams in present time?
Life gets better when you overcome your fears really.
Gain confidence, a sense of self, and believe in yourself.
The scary realization that I am still letting my insecurities and ingrained ways of thinking to dictate how I act and speak to others is quiet abhorable.

Do not wait to do art, or else you're not going to do it. I waited, I bought the items, but really its been two years since I've dedicated myself to it. I felt that I had better fish to fry, like facebook and this blog.

But did I have better fish to fry?
Probably not.

The realizations often only last for a few seconds. And then I go off to another thing.
But it is still there.
I'm trying to make more time for friends. I push them aside really easily when I get stressed,
especially now that I have work AND the GRE's getting at me.

After the GRE's I have two months of Vietnam left. Oh man.